


Weather The Storm.

by Cor321



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Birth 'off camera', Hurt with attempts at comfort, I have hope for them in the future though, Infant Death, Infant loss is so common, It is a lot of introspective Jace, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non Explicit Death, Please mind the tags and warnings, Protective Jace Wayland, Stillbirth, i hope i did it justice, jace pov, no happy ending, yet no one talks about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28661547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cor321/pseuds/Cor321
Summary: Jace and Simon are excited to go to the ultrasound of their first baby with their surrogate Victoria, never in a million years did they think all these plans, these dreams that they created would come crumbling down in one moment.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Weather The Storm.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, before you continue please read the tags, as I don't want something in this fic to trigger you. Secondly, I have a lot of feelings about infant loss, I work on a labour and delivery unit and unfortunately it is something we see all too often and I am using this fic as a way to get my feelings out. I hope only I have done it justice, as I have never personally gone through this type of loss but I can only hope that it helps someone make sense of their grief. If you have gone through this, I see you. 
> 
> Ps. if you have gone through infant loss and you feel like I have gravely misrepresented you please send me a message on Tumblr (the same handle as here) and we can come up with a solution that you feel okay with.

Jace looks at Simon, who has that look in his eye, a look he will never get tired of. He’s so excited, his knee is bouncing and he is drumming on his legs as they wait for Victoria to show up. Victoria is their surrogate, she was doing something for them he knows they will never be able to repay. He never knew how much he really wanted to be a dad until he met Simon. Simon is someone who from day one challenged Jace to be better, do better and think deeply about who he wanted to be. But now, six years into their relationship, they’ve been married for two, and have stable jobs and a place that they love and want to grow a family in. They finally feel like they are finally in a place where they feel ready. Everyone says you never feel truly ready to have kids. Jace knows two things though; one, that he and Simon want a child more than anything, and two, he would do anything to make that happen for them. 

Victoria shows up a few minutes later, cradling her small bump. She’s finally popped, he notes, pride and joy overwhelming him.They wait in the waiting room for their appointment, they are getting their 20 week anatomy scan today and they are going to find out the gender of the baby too. They catch up with Victoria, until the receptionist brings them to the room with the machine. They all find their places, Victoria on the bed, Jace sitting beside her and Simon sitting beside him.

The ultrasound technician walks into the room. “Oh, it’s a full house today,” she says as she looks quickly at some paperwork.

“This is Jace and Simon, the intended parents.” Victoria says proudly.

The technician gives them a gentle smile before sitting down and getting started. “So I am just going to have the screen facing me while I will go through all of the measurements and everything and then I will face it towards you all at the end.” She explains. 

Jace looks at Simon and then Victoria, smiling and chatting quietly amongst themselves while the technician works. It has only been a few minutes when Jace notices a furrow in the brow of the technician. He doesn’t say anything to Simon or Victoria, who are happily chatting between themselves, he doesn’t want to blow anything out of proportion before he has all of the facts.

“Sorry everyone, give me a moment, I just have to go get the doctor.” She says, her expression blank as she leaves the room.

Victoria snaps her head towards them, worry now evident on her face. “Oh god, please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.” She says to herself. Jace grabs her hand in his, holding Simon’s with his other. He can feel the nervousness radiating in the room and Jace is trying his best to keep his emotions firmly in check, he needs to be strong, he just has to be.

“Hi Victoria,” the doctor says as she walks in. “Jace and Simon, I’m not sure if you remember me, I am Dr. Winhart, Victoria’s doctor. I’m just going to take a seat and we will figure out what is going on.” She says, he emotions blank just as the technicians had been. She puts the probe on Victoria’s belly and stares intently at the screen. Jace notices the second her face drops, it only happens for a second but he feels his stomach drop. His hands are still encased in Victoria’s and Simon’s and he squeezes them, trying desperately to make it seem like he hasn’t lost all hope. Dr. Winhart looks up with a solemn expression, “I am so sorry you three, there is no heartbeat--” Jace’s whole world comes crashing down on top of him, the thing he most feared, what he didn’t dare let himself think about is happening. Simon collapses into his shoulder, losing all resolve he may have had to keep his emotions inside. Jace wraps his arm around him, pulling him close hoping that he can provide some sort of comfort to his husband. Victoria has tears streaming down her face, her hands clenched while she searches for comfort. Jace takes one of her hands, gaining eye contact, trying his best to get across that he doesn’t blame her. She was just as invested in this pregnancy as he and Simon were, he knows this has to hurt her just as much.

Jace doesn’t listen to much else of what the doctor has to say, he knows that when they are ready they need to go into the hospital to get induced. She also says something about how 1 in every 160 pregnancies in the US end in stillbirth. He doesn’t hear much else, his first priorities are Victoria and Simon. He ends up calling Victoria’s husband because she’s too distraught to call. He hates the idea of leaving the room, but he knows that she needs her husband here for her just as much as Simon needs him and vice versa.

The phone rings twice, “Hey Jace, what’s up?” Justin answers.

“Fuck,” Jace says, his voice shaky, “I don’t even know how to say this, god I know when I say this it will become real.”

“Jace is everything okay.” Justin asks, worry evident in his tone.

“The baby didn’t have a heartbeat.” Jace chokes out, his face falling into his free hand as he drops to the ground. 

“Oh god, I am so sorry. What can I do for you.”

“She needs you Justin, I can’t take care of them both, I’m barely holding it together myself.”

“Of course, I’ll be on my way. Can I bring you anything?”

“I’m okay for now.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

“Thanks man.”

“Of course.” Justin says before hanging up.

Jace lets his head fall between his legs, gives himself a minute to breathe before going back inside. Not too long after he gets back into the room, Dr. Winhart comes in. “Okay, so I’ve spoken to the labour floor and they said that they are ready for you whenever you are. Take your time, and when you are ready you can head there. I’ve made arrangements so that Jace and Simon can be in the room in whatever capacity you are comfortable with Victoria, as well as your husband. Whatever you need please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Shortly after the doctor leaves again, Victoria turns to them and breaks down, “I am so sorry, I know how much you two were looking forward to this baby.” Jace feels like stomach is in his throat. “You two are going to make such amazing fathers, and oh god my body failed you. I wanted so hard for you two to be--”

“Victoria,” Jace says, grabbing her hands in his, “I want you to know that we don’t blame you, you did nothing wrong.” This just makes the tears come harder. Luckily, Justin comes walking in, his face somber. Jace breathes a small sigh of relief, he knows that Victoria is in good hands and he can focus more on what his husband needs. He pulls Simon into a tight hug, rubbing his thumb up and down his back as sobs wrack through his body. Jace feels like this is all an out of body experience, like this is some sick dream and he’s going to wake up and this isn’t going to be real. He knows though in his heart, that not even his worst nightmare could compare to the anguish that is in this room.

They decide that they will each go home, pack their bags and meet at the hospital in a few hours. As soon as they get into the car, Simon finally says something. “Why, Jace why did this happen to us. What did we do?” Simon pleads, searching for some answer that Jace only wishes he had.

“Nothing baby, we did nothing.” Jace says, at a loss for what else he could say. He hears sniffles from Simon the whole ride home. He lets Simon have a shower while he packs them a bag, when he’s done getting everything together and getting ready himself he sees Simon standing in the doorway of their spare bedroom, the room that was supposed to be used for the nursery.

“All I wanted was to be a dad,” Simon says meekly. 

Jace’s heart breaks at those words. “We’ve been dads since the moment we decided to have a baby.” He pulls Simon into another tight embrace as he looks at the room, this room was supposed to be filled with warmth, love and possibilities, now it just reminds him of this hole in his heart, of loss and despair.

They meet Justin and Victoria at the hospital and get escorted to a room right away. After discussing it with Victoria, they decide it would be best for just Justin to be in the room while she labours and he and Simon will wait in the waiting room. He knows this can’t be easy on her, and she’s already doing so much for the two of them by allowing them to be here at all.

The waiting is excruciating, she wasn’t ready for labour so her body takes a long time to respond to the medication. So they are sitting in the waiting room, Jace with his thoughts jumbled, but most of all he’s worried about Simon. Somewhere around 2 am Alec texts him that he is there with food, and Jace feels a spike of warmth rush through him. He kisses the top of his head before leaving, Simon stirs a little bit opening his eyes bleary. “Where are you going?” Simon squeaks out.

“Alec’s brought us some food baby, I won’t be long I promise.” Jace says quietly before kissing his forehead once more.

Jace sees Alec in the atrium of the hospital, a bag of take out in one hand. He doesn’t realize how much he had been holding in all day until he’s wrapped in Alec’s arms. For the first time, he allows himself to break down. Alec holds him as he sobs, getting out the emotion he hadn’t realized he was holding. They stand there for a few minutes before stepping back, wiping the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hands.

“I’m sorry,” Jace says.

“You don’t have to be,” Alec replies. “How are you feeling Jace?” Alec asks, his voice laced with concern.

“Honestly, I feel kind of numb.” He pauses, unsure of how to articulate what he wants to say. “That was the first time I’ve really let myself cry since we found out. And Simon, he always feels so-- so completely. He’s devastated Alec, and there is  _ nothing _ I can do. God, I am so worried about him, he was crying all afternoon, and he isn’t talking to me save a few words here or there. The man who always has so many thoughts and words, I just hate it and he hasn’t eaten a bite, I’m hoping he has some of this, but god what do I do to make this better for him Alec?”

“Just hold him, and be there for him Jace.” Alec says gently, “And take care of yourself, please. He needs you to be okay too.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay.” Jace mumbles to himself before hugging Alec once more and going back to Simon with the food.

Jace nudges Simon awake when he gets back. “Baby, please eat something.” 

“I’m not hungry,” Simon replies, curling up into Jace’s lap. Jace runs his fingers through Simon curls, desperately trying to provide him any comfort he can. 

Jace texts Justin telling him that there is some food if he needs it. Luckily Victoria is sleeping and he’s able to get him some food. They don’t say anything though, there’s nothing to say, nothing that would make any of this better.

It’s not till the morning that anything changes, Justin texts him telling him that she’s starting to feel contractions and Jace sits there trying to prepare himself. Part of him wants this ordeal to be over, to be home and in the comfort of his bed with his husband in his arms, the other part of him wants to push this off as long as possible because he until their baby is here, he doesn’t have to come to terms with what is actually happening. 

Not even an hour later a nurse is walking into the waiting room where he and Simon are seated. Jace’s heart starts to race and he grabs Simon’s hand. She stops in front of them and says softly, “Baby is here, would you like to come with me?” Jace only nods, helping Simon up. 

“You ready Si?” Jace asks, giving Simon a gentle kiss.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” Simon replies, his eyes already glassy.

“You are the strongest man I know,” Jace says. “But take all the time you need, baby.”

“I want to go, I need to.” Jace nods, grabbing his hand before they walk toward the nurse who is waiting for them a few feet away.

Jace takes a deep breath, closing his eyes before walking into the room. He didn’t know what to expect, but definitely not the sense of calm that was in the room. There’s sadness, he could see it in everyone’s faces, the nurses, Justin and the evidence in the tear streaks down Victoria’s face. 

“Do you want to hold your son?” Victoria says, holding the tiny bundle wrapped up in her arms. Jace loses his breath,  _ his son _ . He looks at Simon, who walks forward and his arms outstretched. This moment is so much different than how he had imagined it. When he envisioned Simon holding their baby, holding their son he thought the tears streaming down his face would be ones of joy. Instead he is staring at his husband who has a constant stream of tears falling down his face as he looks down at their son in his hands.

The next few hours they all take turns holding him, they take pictures to remember this beautiful life and they let themselves feel. It’s bittersweet, the feeling of family that is in the room when their family isn’t complete, there is a hole that will never quite be filled. They name him Nathan Isaiah Lewis-Herondale, and Jace thinks, even as tiny as he is, he is still so incredibly beautiful.

They say one last goodbye before they leave the hospital, it all feels too much as he and Simon walk out the doors. Like they have left a piece of their heart here and they will never get it back. As he holds his husband, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close, someone he can keep safe, he thinks about how suffocating this fog feels, like they will never get out of it. But he knows that eventually the fog clears and the sun will come, that even after the worst of rainfall a rainbow appears. He can’t see it now, but he knows there will be a day where the thought of a baby doesn’t feel like a punch in the gut, that one day they will hopefully hold a child in their arms that they can bring home. But for now, they just have to weather the storm.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you are all okay after reading this <3 
> 
> Ps this wasn't beta read so all mistakes are mine.


End file.
